Welcome to Eternity
by Mozz
Summary: Welcome to eternity, a guide for the common ascended being for the common ascended being. Unscripted, UnRehersed and Unspellchecked
1. Welcome to Eternity

Welcome to Eternity

A guide written by the common ancient for the common ancient!

Hello Mr or Mrs newly ascended, may I be the first to welcome you to infinity. Now you may be wondering what to do for the next millennia or two. Please do not fret for I am here to help.

I have personally spent the last 8,379 years personally enjoying the delights of the whitest area in existence, simply to help you the newly ascended being to enjoy your eternity. Now you may be thinking, what are the rules, what can I do and not do with the power of a god? Well here are a few simple rules to abide by:

1) Do not interfere in the lives of the mortals, we all know how entertaining it is to blow up women's skirts in the street and poke Apophis in the head while he is doing his thing, but please refrain from doing so.

2) Now under any circumstances please refrain from spitting into the primordial soup, we understand how impressive it is to show your girlfriend how you changed all of existence, but it takes the cleaning crew several millennia to rewrite history in your wake.

3) Do not play with the light controls of existence, many ascended beings are enjoying themselves in eternity and do not want to have to change the colour of their sunglasses.

4) When inviting mortals into eternity, please change existence into a building or a park, then pretend that its so they can "comprehend" it. We need to keep up a clever appearance.

Now that you know the do's and don'ts of existence may I suggest some of the more interesting activates you mar partake in.

Every 50 years Aphrodite holds her annual big gay nude picnic. May I take this time to remind you that we have no good or bad, and seeing as god does not exist please feel free to partake in new experiences free of your parent's ridiculous upbringing. Events in the picnic include the cross dress competition, the naked 78 legged race, the 30x30 mile nude twister game as well as the infamous penis piñata.

This event fills up very fast with brightly decorated whips of light, unfortunately during the picnic only human form is permitted to avoid any inconvenient species inadvertently being created. This is due to the unfortunate creation of the wraith, and I would like to apologise to the 7,358,135,065,247,273,052,646,92,275,109,362,467,247,824,842,865,651,190,014,468,061,805,346,590,653,050 victims that I accidentally killed.


	2. Welcome to Eternity: The second comeing

Ascended being forms are the most import thing to remember when mingling with the mortals. At first you may be compelled to go with the good old fashioned mortal form you came from. But then you may as well not have died! 

Human form - can breath through nipples and lick own elbows, fun pallor trick for any occasion! Other than this its a pretty basic bipedal form, if you want a sex form i would suggest a half pig half lion crossbreed, having 30 minute orgasms and being able to do it 50 times a day can have its advantages.

Cheese form - well no one expects the cheese do they? generals, Goa'uld and yes even jack all enjoy cheese, in fact the only 3 things in existence that do not like cheese are the Quagarrs a race of cheese phobiacs, Cheddlar, the Goa'uld impersonating the god of cheese surprisingly enough and finally Mrs. Miggins or 65 round top lane Cornwall England Earth (Tauree)

Please note: when spying on the mortals turn into cheese, it is the last thing they expect, how else do you pop into old friends and suddenly know everything that's been going on?

Goa'uld symbiote form- Ahh the joy of this form, nothing can be better than popping into a mortals bed wriggling around their neck and then disappearing, its not interfering its mealy education to um. . . always be prepared . . . yeah to all ways be prepared!

Poltergeist form - Turning invisible and walkthrough-able being, this can be entertaining in sooo many ways, I will erm, let you experiment COUGHschoolgirlsCOUGH

Now these forms are basically it, the Nox don't tend to like being impersonated, besides any time you annoy them they revive you and beat you with reeds, and you were thinking their flying citadel was paradise? The Furlings on the other hand, well unless you want to be farmed by Furbey© stuffed and have a primitive jukebox rambled down you I would strongly advise against this form!

On a final note, it is strongly advised to go against the grand counsel's wishes and post your erotic experiences into playboy. . . . They would much prefer it if you posted it directly to them as they can not get out much.


	3. The Orgasmatron!

This is an automated psychic message sent to all ascended beings.

We the grand council of eternity would like to apologise for stopping time, but a new important event has occurred that you must all be informed about.

As you should all know the ancient alliance standardised language into the basic elements, but after ten thousand years of deliberation discussion and FHM reading we finally realised we have no physical form, thus not everyone has the same elements thus the language is flawed and not universal.

Using a discarded T.U.R.D. we have gone through existence to find the one thing that all forms of life share and have realigned history to coincide with this new discovery. All language will now be set to this one form through time in the ancient alliance and all television broadcasts will be set to the new language.

We are pleased to announce the universal language for life is called "Orgasmic groans". After all the years of reading FHM and seeing the mortals of all existence going at it we finally realised after filling the room with whitewash that everything groans orgasmicley!

This may leave some with the problem of not knowing what to do in bed. Sexual innuendo will now be replaced with light conversation followed by tea consisting of crumpets, scones with a nice little bit of strawberry jam, some nice bourbon biscuits (the Sainsbury's ones not the dirty Tesco's rip off imitations ones) and a good old cuppa.

Now as you may notice all language is now being pressed as normal but are infact orgasmic groans. This means that in every beings perception nothing has changed, thus this was a total and complete waste of time.

We would like to give a shout out to Pope shikhan-boo-boo the 19'th for the look on his 27'th wife's face when we resume time.

This was an automated broadcast by the "Sex before discharge party"


End file.
